Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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