I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize