I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Never underestimate the power of titties
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
