I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I want a musical about memes.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
