I seem to have left my pride at pride
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
