ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I know her cup size but not her name....
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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