just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
