my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
