You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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