Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
