My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
