I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
