I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
