Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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