WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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