At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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