I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
