I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize