Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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