But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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