Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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