i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
