He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
