Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
porn star boner night. come get it.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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