hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
