Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
