A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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