hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
