people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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