that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
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you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
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The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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