Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
