Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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