Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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