ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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