apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
