dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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