I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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