I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
