I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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