The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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