You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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