Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
