Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
