Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
