I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
