My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
