duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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