don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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