I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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