College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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