I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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