Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
