his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
