Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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