I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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