I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
i've created a new STD.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
